Thought of not having a family in the future?
To be honest with the world, God and myself. i dont know if i will be single through my whole life. no matter how a rock can destroy the world. No matter how a drop of water can wreck a titanium wall. that doesnt matter when it comes to our future.i swore once, to do the best and let God handle the rest. but honestly, how many of us really does that, when our mouth and our mind arent at a parallel advancement. what is in your mind now?

it seems, when i grow older and older, i didnt become wiser, instead, i started to dig things out of nothing. Trying to find a crack of bone amongst eggs. what could i expect to find?

Nothing.

i tried, i open just one table light. focusing my mind hard on the book,.. thinking of each chemistry word... electrolysis... elements...

almost every time, i failed.
i started to hide in the midst of nothing. darkness.
TO be honest enough, i asked myself. who the hell are you? i asked God, who am i? It seems that i am asking a question that no mortal can answer. i ceased.

For so many times, i think.
For so many tims, i walk,
For i am naive. i always fail to seek what i want.

i turned to HIm, always.
i ask the same question. where shall i head now?
what should i do now? or should i do nothing?
i trust him with my breath and warmth. Not to say life just yet.

Till now, i am still waiting for His answer to all those questions that i have been mumbling. Where the hell am i?

and one thing i found out. True love exist in all of us. it just needs time to be found.

dont stop looking for it. If one day, you found one. you are blessed with the most love God can spare. till now, i am still lost in the nowhere that i know.

so tensed up.. so ... fed up... and so helpless.
however, there is one thing i am sure. i have to survive through whatever disaster or catastrophe. whatever i do. Stay alive.

It's better to breath than to be breathed.
so... if you have the same question and same problems as i am. Dont be afraid.
If God wants me to live singly through my life.
What can i do?

:)

Memories.
After the last stroke on the Chemistry paper. i felt a gush of wind blowing through my nerves. the smell of freedom and life. i laid back at my seat after the exam, try to think of what to do next. Cause my most feared STPm is just around the corner, approaching me with constant speed,... and even constant velocity. i know i am there.. but.. where am i? i walked down to get some fresh air after studying for around 2 hours. a musical fileholder caught my attention, i got hold of it, "Ng Soo How".. my name was written on that file. it used to be mine, along with my brother. we was one of the singers in a huge group of choirs. oh God,. i miss those days. the relationship betweeen me and my brother has been sinking since we got into Secondary shcool. the gap between us is far greater than any peninsula on this earth. i couldnt even hear him. he is so far... and yet so close. i used to be very close to him. the time when i was standard 2,3,4,5 and 6. i really miss those days... we can talk about just anything.. or even nothing... for a whole day long. we can play things just from anything we can get hold of. we imagine, think, share.. and even cry together... But now.. where has the "me" gone? what is happening to me? deep down in my heart... i know that i still feel the same like before. it's just that... i cant accept the growth that eveyeone is inevitable of. my heart is still living... in the age of young. i want my "old me" back. I miss those days. how i wish i can have them back. No matter what it takes.i wll give it a try. It's something money cant buy... for i so love them. my little sister. i felt so sorry for her. i felt as if i am the one who caused her to do so bad in her exam. my father used to tell me."when you are free, go to teach your little sister... she needs you." however, so often. i cant find any time to spare. and so often, if i have the time. i would do something that will only benifit myself. i felt myself so stupid... i ask God.. what can i do? and obviously.. i am heading for my STPM with my schedule full of study... study and study... Hardly enough for myself. Sometimes...i see her crying for she dont understand a hintch of what she is seeing... i felt a deep slash of pain inside my heart. the sourness that burned through my skin... i can feel that.. but did she know that? we all feel the same... my mother.. my father.. but.. do they know i feel more pain than they can imagine... how i wish i have time for them... whenever i hear my sister grumbling herself, locked inside her room... my heart is aching. i was suffocating with each word she spoke. "i really dont know how to do mah... why teacher say me like that.. why my eldest brother dont want to teach me... why my elder sister always that rude to me... why my mother say me stupid.. why all people hate me.." i felt a gush of adrenaline, not to shout.. not to speak... not to run... but to cry.. i laid myself close to the wall.. thinking of what she said, and hearing of what she is speaking.. i can feel.. i know.. i understand how she feels.. but.. did she know? i care for her... but... did she know? THere was a time... when i was still small.. when she was still 4 years old... i was laying down at the couch cushion.. watching tv.. i heard a loud voice of my grandfather.. he was chasing after my little sister with a cane. that time... i wasnt paying an inch of attention to what was happening.. Soon after that, my poor little sister, with the slash of cane on her hands.. the red bumped flash... she handed a stamp over to me. the stamp was in awkward condition.. and for a 4 year old child to extract a stamp from an envolope. she did it quite well.. that time.. i am a stamp collector. i do all the extracting stuff on my own. and she might as well learned it while seeing me doing it. i look up to her... her tears... her hands..."what am i thinking?" i felt so touched. the feeling is now etched inside my heart and soul. i couldnt forget that very moment. i can feel the love from her... but... now.. i treat her so badly..."am i her brother? am i a human?" these questions have been with me all these years. i wanted to hug her... wanted her to know that i love her... wanted to let her know... but.. there is a push back in my mind... where i dont really know the true reason. every time, when i see her... she sure to have something to irritate me. that makes me out of mood. every time.. so often.. she make me angry with all her voice... her naiveness... "her purity." she always comes up with questions where she has the answer... she do it.. for the sake of catching our attention. i know it.. we know it. may be one day.. just one day. give me a chance and i will pour my love on her. whatever happens...no matter what... she is still my little sister. and till that day... i am ashamed of being called, her brother. ......

today sux!
It's quite a long time since my last entry. *sigh... challenges, trial kept washing me off like waves of tsunami. nothing has been easy for these past few weeks. i have been struggling with all the school projects... school's works and everything..

Today, i muted all the unwanted sounds, cleared up all the unwanted sight, restrain myself from making any noise. i seek tranquility in the midst of daily war.

"why am i thinking? what am i thinking? what is going on with me over these days? where should i head?..."

Just thousands of thoughts flashed it way through my fragile mind within minutes.

i was having this conversation with one my of Church friend when i fetched her back after the Yf service. though she is same age as me... she took her STPM last year, leaving me slashing the bush and getting to nowhere. *anyway.. she is so sweet and cute.

i told myself.
YOU TAKE IT. OR LOSE IT.
It's very obvious that my future is in my own palm. it's either i crush it... or handle with care.

If life itself should have something that record its every movement, every single expression, every smile and everything. The world would be a better place to live in. Though it's not for everyone when it comes to tragedy. THey live to fight forgetting the misery and the nightmare left behind for them.

i ask God, what is life? of course He didnt just puff out and give me the answer. i went on searching the meaning of life. for most of the people dont think of this thing till they are in the edge of loneliless, and despair. When we lost hope on everything we have been counting on, we started to question things that are far beyong our understanding and our reach. The meaning of life, however it's a different story. we have to live a life which make sense to us... i mean at least have some meaning. If you dont have an aim or target in your life. you are living an empty tea pot life. which bears nothing but the dust and smell of oil tin can.

i live in His name. i should doubt nothing about the path he laid in store for me. Nevertheless, i question that sometimes... i lose faith some times. it happens quite often to me... the trial... the failure... the suffer.... why did He wanted me to go through all these? every time i reach the surface of light... He pulled me in again... giving me nothing but myself. And every time i seek, i lost, i cried. He appears somewhere in my life. Lending me His hand through other people. i could see that ... JUst as wat happened recently, i was involved in some sort of stupid accident. The India fella was 3 times my size. i could help it... though we both have faults.. but he kept on scolding me as if i am the one who wants his life. Suddenly, a godsent person came out of nowhere... helping me to get me out of the deadly mangrove. without him, i could suffocate just for the indian's scolding... He is another shooting machine... *sigh.

though i have written sh!t above here... i hope one day it will help me through my life.

i have been into some pains. the scars that left will strengthen me as time goes by.

oh Lord, i will do whatever it takes. and i pray for your help to complete whatever i have left.
-amen-

A saturday... A beautiful weekend. however, i felt so sick... with my throat full of mucus... my mind full of thoughts... my room full of rubbish... my body stinks... my attire untidy... my bed unmade... my head felt dizzy...

i felt just a zombie. feeling a bit of losing myself...i dont really know what is happening to me. i just need some times to cool myself down.. this is not the first time i said that. Other say, "you have to love yourself, before you are able to love others." i say, "DOnt lose yourself if you want to love and to be loved."

i will do what it takes and how long it takes for me to be myself again... i really hate this...but i have to do it...

till the time i am healed...

For the 4,5 and today, the same old boring school routine that goes on like forever. A few days before this, i wasnt having enough time for anything. But now, everything seems to come into their position. i believed, if i do my best, He will take care of the rest. Everyday is a new challenge to me, and i wont be giving up that early cause the real test is just around that dark corner. Things are getting much more interesting. The only concern now. Is my Muet. i am not good at it. i admit it. but i know the cure now, i know the way to pull myself out of the pit. it's just that.. i can feel something is holding me back. i dont know what or why... i just need some times to regconise it. Above all, everything seems to be just fine.

For the 4,5 and today, the same old boring school routine that goes on like forever. A few days before this, i wasnt having enough time for anything. But now, everything seems to come into their position. i believed, if i do my best, He will take care of the rest. Everyday is a new challenge to me, and i wont be giving up that early cause the real test is just around that dark corner. Things are getting much more interesting.                                                                                                                                                                                                  The only concern now. Is my Muet. i am not good at it. i admit it. but i know the cure now, i know the way to pull myself out of the pit. it's just that.. i can feel something is holding me back. i dont know what or why... i just need some times to regconise it. Above all, everything seems to be just fine.

2 days after the school start, i found that i couldnt squeeze any time out for my execise. though i focus more on the study. but, i find that exercise is equally important as i have to deal with stresses that are ever increasing. i am not satisfied with my current progress of revision. it's kinda slow. still the same words. "the time is draining away; you get up or you are left out." everyone is this world is fighting for their existence. and i dont think i will just give it up that easy. "Nothing can stop me. only me myself may do that" if i fail. i fail. it's 1.30am in the morning.... bah... i am quite tired. The brain is kinda, dont want to work...

First day of 2005 to school. Obviously, not much changes. it's still the white for the wall, and green for the roof. the grass is still increasing their territory. *sigh... what a year...                                                                                                                                                                                                  To me, 2005 is not a year of fun, or joy. It's the period of determining whether i will be the janitor or the professor. THis vast difference that can be caused with just the slightest misake, makes me feel even more pressured.                                                                                                                                                                                                  As to what i have anticipated. These few months will be one of those busiest moment in my school life. though i dont exactly have to do anything. but... i have to make sure that every project shall go the way it's supposed to be. Or i will be hearing the music. Today, Mr.Ravi put me in charge of the fund raising for the Tsunami's vitims. i spent over 3 hours on it. though i only managed to collect an amount of RM2330. but i am more than overjoyed by the warmth of the students. they are so generous to do their teeny weeny part in helping the needies. when i and a gang of my friends went around the school for this donation. The majority of them are so willing to help. that particular Rm2330... was collected from an amount of 1300 students. i was so glad to know that humans do have simpathetic heart for the people from different background, religions, sex, and even races.                                                                                                                                                                                                  My youngest sister. Her first day in Hua Lian. the three siblings and me... now are studying in the same school. i am very glad to hear about that. my mother told her, "if anyone should bully you. you can go to tell your eldest brother and he can settle it for you." wow!.. lolz... may be it's my position that somehow gave her the confidence to step into the emerging transformation year of teenagers. However, i can only watch her over for one year. i went into the hall where i was there when i was waiting for my name to be called. i wonder. if things are to be reversed. will i be the same again?                                                                                                                                                                                                  However, i dont dare to think. cause, this is who i want. and this is what i want... may be i am wrong. but...

Oh.. the last day of 2004. i went to Jagad's house to... urm? play some ping pong. Jemein, Waiho, Hecc, Chingy, Renhoe, Enghui, Venga, Hunter, Wingz, Elaine, Vincent, Sheanyee, urm.. bah,.. i forgot adi. however, these are most of the people went there.                                                                                                                                                                                                  when i first got to Jagad's house. he was taking his mutten curry with rice. and chingy was there too. then... came the Craplord jemien, and Waiho. both of them were ... "excited" to see us. heh~. then we played ping pong. we were on the third floor. oh man... you couldnt imagine just how hot the place was. it was a huge owen. that near cook my eggs. then we talked about Jagad's chics. urm.... heh~ dont kill me if you read this.                                                                                                                                                                                                  when the time was near 12. i started to dial to my friends. i knew it will be a busy night for all the tele communication server. but i managed to make some calls. although i spent some on the phone, it's worthwhile. some of them who expect me to call, was ok with it. while some others, who have never been ecpecting my calls, were so happy that i could only lock the laughter and the tone of rejoice in my mind. it's indeed a night for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                  Jagad came down with his balls. i mean fire crackers. we went outside and started to blow anywhere we like. but,... the gang that went with us there.... seems to care nothing about the others. they just simply blast. urm... but... it was a good one. At least that's where the fun came in. after a short while... 45 minutes.. later. wingz, hunter, elaine came to join us in the chit chat moment somewhere near a field. that's where our sh!t talking came in. i love those moments.                                                                                                                                                                                                  then we came to this f*cking A rahman. oh Godness. i really hate the service that they have on us. fark it. we went there and sit down... waiting for them to clean up the table so that we can lay our hands on it and start to call for drinks. but... they seems to be so occupied with cleaning up the empty chairs and table, instead of coming to us for offer. many of us have tried to call them. they seems to understand but in the same time. they seems to be very VERY forgetful. After we have waited for half an hour. We left. i really wish to kick those f*cking as$es. (*ahem. i guess i should control the uses of my words. but i really mean it)                                                                                                                                                                                                  after that, we went to KTM. i love that place. the curry and the bread were so nice. i met with the old gang who i used to mix with. urm.... those alcoholic lovers. they are really friends to me. but... sadly. i can only keep our friendship between a mirror. it's totally no offense to them. but... i couldnt agree with the life they have. but... they are great to mix with... when you want funs. they can really make your day.                                                                                                                                                                                                  soon after i came home around 5 something. i rememberd that one of my friend has a party. i just went into it... and alas. i got drunk. nearly had an accident. urm... i guess that's all. though i have kept my story REALLY short. without all the details. but... i think i cant wipe the memory i have on that year. 2004. where i met some people individually and to know them more than ever. a fruitful year indeed. the only thing i want... from it, is keep in touch